As a parent, it can be very stressful to learn that your child is being bullied. Our instinct is to protect our children at all costs - but how exactly should we do this?
Professor Donna Cross from The Kids Research Institute Australia is the chief researcher behind ‘Friendly Schools’ - a comprehensive, evidence-based family and school resources that can help to reduce bullying behaviour.
Her following tips come from 20 years of comprehensive Friendly Schools’ research and can help parents who have children who are being bullied.
1. Try to be calm so your child does not get more upset, and believe them.
“Learning your child is being bullied can be incredibly upsetting for a parent,” Professor Cross says. “But it’s important to be aware of your own response and try to react in a calm, helpful and supportive manner.
“It’s a bit like being in a first aid situation - If you panic it will likely only make the situation worse. Instead, stay calm and be supportive.”
“Tell your children you believe them, as they often worry that you won’t, and remember that being bullied may make your child feel ashamed so it may be difficult for them to tell you about what is happening or happened.”
2. Listen to your child – encourage them to talk with you about how they feel, acknowledge that you understand how bullying can hurt and be as supportive as possible.
“As parents, we can sometimes feel it is our job to have all the answers, but it is important to listen to your child, ask lots of open-ended questions and make them feel heard and believed. Tell your child that bullying is wrong and remind them that they have the right to feel safe and happy.”
“Ask open ended questions like: Tell me more about what happened, who was there? What happened next? What did you do? What were others doing when this happened?
3. Remind them they are not in trouble (don’t take away access to their device, for example).
“If your child is being cyber bullied, it can be tempting to remove anything that could be seen to be exacerbating the problem. But I would discourage only banning their access to their digital devices, as this can ‘punish’ your children for being bullied,” Professor Cross says.
“Young people tell us they are frightened that their parents may over-react and try to take control of the situation. If a child is being bullied through technology, it is far better to negotiate an agreement with your child on appropriate use of technology than to remove it entirely.”
4. Ask lots of supportive questions to help your child work out what they can do to help deal with this situation
“Ask your child which, if any, strategies he or she has already tried, if they were helpful and what they would try next time. Ask them what they have seen other people do to deal with similar situations and if they would consider trying this too.
“Ask them how they would like to approach the problem with the school. Discuss what outcome your child wants from involving the school. And ask them if they have talked to anyone else about this, such as a friend or teacher and to show you the messages, e-mails or anything else they have kept if the bullying was via technology.”
5. Develop a plan together.
“Your child is the one who has to go to school every day so it’s important they are happy with the plan they develop with you. Rather than suggesting what they should do, help your child to work out what they could do to help make the situation better and who they will involve,” Professor Cross says.
“Help your children identify people they feel comfortable talking with and turning to for help such as specific teachers, other school staff members, school friends and family friends. Give your children practice identifying what they could say if they approached these people about a bullying problem.”
6. Make an appointment for both of you with your child’s school to discuss the problem.
“Schools want to hear from parents if there is a problem. Phone the school and ask who is best placed to help your child and make a time to talk. It is best for your child to come with you to the meeting, so ensure the time is convenient for all involved,” Professor Cross says.
“Explain what you know - it may help to have some notes or information about the bullying behaviour to show as examples and a record of the timing of these incidents and describe what your child has tried and how successful they have been to date.
“Ask for a plan of action: The plan will most likely vary according to the situation; the school may wish to consult other staff before deciding on a plan of action. This is quite normal and appropriate.
“If your child did not attend the meeting ensure you discuss with him or her what happened and what the agreed strategies are. It is important to ensure your child is comfortable with these actions.”
7. Follow-up with the school and your child at regular intervals to find out if anything else is needed to help him or her.
“Keep in contact with the school even if the situation seems to have improved to ensure the changes continue. Consider setting a date and time for follow-up meetings to talk about how the situation is progressing.”
